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Copywriting Makeover: Facts vs. Fantasy (Part 2 of 2)

November 29, 2006
Karon's back today to show us the results from the Julie's Jewels
copywriting makeover that she wrote about last time.

Don't forget that if your copy isn't getting the results you want, you can
learn to write SEO and online copywriting that impresses the engines and
your visitors
at Karon's site. Be sure to also check out her report "How To Increase Keyword Saturation (Without Destroying the Flow of Your Copy)." - Jill

Copywriting Makeover:  Facts vs. Fantasy (Part 2 of 2)
by Karon Thackston © 2006, All Rights Reserved

In Part 1 of this article series we discovered the challenge faced by the copy of Julie's Jewels Moissanite page.  The original copy was too factual for visitors to relate to effectively.  I outlined the problems and the proposed solutions.  Let's continue as I show you the rewrite and the results.

The Rewrite

Building excitement about Moissanite jewelry was a primary goal during the
rewrite.  These stones needed to be positioned above other manmade gems such
as cubic zirconia.  Their special qualities had to be brought to light while
also evoking emotions that are associated with buying something rare,
exclusive and truly exceptional.

I chose words and phrases including "spoiled for anything else," "alluring"
and "wonder."

However, affordability also needed to be conveyed -- but without discounting
the perceived and actual value of the stone.  To accomplish this, I included
mentions of how affordable Moissanite stones are along with verbiage
describing the clarity, quality and excellence of these jewels.

You can view the revised copy (PDF) here.

In addition, Julie's Jewels faces some stiff competition from national
retailers and other sites that carry Moissanite.  There was really only one
main phrase the page needed to be optimized for.  The challenge with that,
however, was using the term enough to make an impact with the engines, but
not so much as to sound odd because of too much repetition.

The Headline

A huge change took place with the headline.  The original headline was
created with no appeal to the site visitor.  Likely used strictly for
navigation and search engine optimization (SEO) purposes, it merely listed
the name of the page.  The use of the simple term "Moissanite Jewelry" was
replaced with a headline that clearly stated the primary benefit of this

“Moissanite Jewelry Offers Affordable Luxury”

The Opening Paragraph

The original copy used an opening paragraph that skipped from one topic to
another.  Beginning with information about Moissanite being created from
minerals in a lab then jumping to the fact that this type of jewelry was
available at wholesale prices, it needed some help in capturing and
retaining the attention of the visitor.

In an effort to create a visual image for the site visitor, the new copy
begins with:

“Once you experience the wonder of Moissanite jewelry, you'll be spoiled for
anything else.  This alluring stone has the brilliance and sparkle of a
diamond, yet it is affordable on practically any budget.  Moissanite is the
hardest and most dazzling stone, second only to a diamond.”

Because this is a category page on Julie's ecommerce site, photographs of
Moissanite jewels in different settings are shown along with links to the
associated pages.  The original copy stopped there.  With the new copy, I
added brief descriptions underneath each image.  This accomplished two

1) It allowed me to entice the visitor to click through to the page using
both words and visuals.
2) It gave us additional opportunities to use Julie's keyphrase without
sounding overpowering.

The Results

What was the outcome of this makeover?  I'll let Julie tell you herself.

"I was on the 2nd and 3rd page of SERPs for this category.  Now, I’m on page
#1!  The Moissanite page is now the 3rd highest entry page for the site.
This page is the parent category for six sub-categories.  Those
sub-categories have seen nice jumps in traffic as opposed to a year ago
(prior to copy rewrite).  This not only helps the main category but
sub-categories as well.  I'm also getting double the contacts about
Moissanite as a result of increased visitors on the Moissanite jewelry

Before you start listing facts and figures in your copy, take a little time
to research how consumers buy that particular product.  Because people don't
react the same ways to every product or service, jumping to conclusions
about how they buy can be a dangerous practice that's best avoided.

Karon Thackston
Marketing Words, Inc.